Mind

Every couple has certain talks that they try to avoid at all costs, and last night, one of them came up. Julian and I have always spoken about the future and how excited we are to live together and what not, but when we were talking, we have completely different ideas, about everything. And I mean everything. 

It has come up in the past about how he has said that it wouldn’t be ideal for to live in the City, and I’ve always said ever since I even knew him about how much I want to live in the City. Every since I could remember I knew that I belonged there. I’m a very fast paced person, everything is quick for me down to the way I walk. When I say I’m gunna get something done, I just do it, instantly. Then there’s Julian, he’s very laid back, takes his time, and he’s a very slow walker (which bugs the shit out of me but shh). His idea of the future, and by future I mean kids and what not, is to move somewhere remote, away from so much clutter, like somewhere upstate or even on the west coast. And then I went on saying about how I want to move in the city, and then stay there, raise a family there. The room went silent. 

I get that opposites do attract, it’s very obvious with us, and I understand that you have to make sacrifices in a relationship, but how much of your own happiness should you give up for the sake of the one you love? I don’t know, our conversation last night must of had a huge impact on me because I had a dream that I was running away from explosions and this person, and it’s really obvious that I’m running away from this idea of how different we are. 

And I know that it gets him upset that I want this, well not grand life style but living in the city is kind of grand, and what he wants to do for a living really doesn’t pay that much. While me on the other hand, I’ve dreamed my whole life that I will make it, that I will have more than a decent living, I want it all. 

Why did you have to say that. Why did you have to say that I’m gunna say something that isn’t true and keep telling myself until it’s true. I know you and you’re just gunna say that it was a joke, but there’s a hint of seriousness behind most of your jokes. I’m sorry but that just really, really bothered me. You’re gunna say that I’m over reacting and take things too seriously and I’m being irrational but I dunno that just really sucked knowing that you think I do that… It’s fucked up.

I think over the summer I wanna try and paint again because I think that if I’d do it for fun, I’d actually enjoy it

and I really wanna paint julian something cause I’ma loser

I wanna be more creative

shannonfearr:

I swear, the closer to the date that I’m leaving, the more we’ve been bickering or getting into little fights or me being angry or pissy with him. It sucks, it really did. I don’t know if he’s trying to push me away so it won’t be as hard but leaving on a sour note is the worst thing that could ever happen. It makes me want to just say fuck it to our relationship before I leave, it really does. But not because my feelings have changed, no, that’s not it at all. I started writing his goodbye letter and I poured my heart into the first two pages and I mean every last word on it. It’s the fact that I have no idea if he feels the same way. Do I want this to end? Not even in the slightest, I’m madly in love with this kid. But can I stay with someone who starts to push me away just so if something happens, it’s easier for himself? No, not one bit. 

I know we’re both under a shit ton of stress from school and what not, but it’s the fact of the matter that I want to spend as much time with him has I can in the next six days, and I’m going to be gone for three of them, and I’m not even going to see him today probably. I know, he has a life and he has his other coworkers and what not, but like, he sees them all the time and is still gunna see them after I leave. If it was like he had plans with his friends, I honestly wouldn’t have cared as much because they are leaving too. But he sees his coworkers all the time, and he’s just gunna hang out with them because he wants to drink or smoke. And like yesterday we barely spoke and he didn’t call me to talk, and the night before we barely spoke on the phone and he seemed super distant towards me and I’m sorry, but that’s not okay. I don’t want a distant boyfriend, and he’s like this because he’s sad but that doesn’t make sense to me.

I don’t want to go and have him act all weird because I’m not there, it’s gunna ruin us. And I really don’t want to lose what we have, but if he doesn’t get his act together in the next few days, that’s it, I’m sorry. I want to make this work, I really really do, but we both have to make it work, it’s not all up to me. Like is he doing this on purpose? And the fact that this has been crossing my mind lately scares the me the most. I wanted to leave on a fantastic note, knowing that I have someone awesome at home for me, someone I love more than anything, someone who feels the same way about me and is willing to make this work. But right now, I’m honestly unsure about it.

I don’t even know if I can finish his letter…

shannonfearr:

but no one will ever see this anyway and I have nothing else to do. I kind of would rather write this but I know that I’ll get lazy and stop because my hand will cramp or my body will start hurting due to the awkward positions that it’s put in, though this chair really isn’t comfortable as well, but it’s better and I’ll say more here. I guess I break this up into paragraphs or some shit, but this is just a bunch of random ass things that are just on my mind.

Let’s start out what is bothering right now, like right this second. The fact that I can’t stand to be with just myself. I hate it, I hate it so much. All my life I have always been a loner, always hated people, I went out of my way to not be with people. But ever since, lets say last summer, I have been with people almost 24/7. Also with my job I’m surrounded by people all the time as well. So now when I am alone, all I do is pick myself apart, like badly. And I start to rethink so many things in my life. I start doubting everything that I used to believe in because now I’m actually giving myself the chance to think things through rather then have them skim the service of my thoughts and float back into the back of my head.

Like I thought I’ve been fine with my whole self image issue things lately, but I really don’t think I am. I think I’ve been flat out ignoring them. I know I’ve been battling with my weight and only Julian knows about it. I lied to my mom, I lie to my mom every time she asks me about it. She truly thinks that I’m fine. I went to the doctor, said I didn’t have an issue when I kind of really think that I do, I’m just not ready to deal with it. I’m not starving myself, I just limit my eating, what I can eat and how much I eat and what not. But the one thing that scared the complete shit out of me was how on 4th of July, I was piss drunk with Franny and I know that she has some body issues as well. But like we went for a walk and we ended up just sitting on the sidewalk and I thought that it would be a good idea to puke, so I casually stuck my fingers down my throat and made myself throw up, as Franny did as well. Like I know I was doing it so I’d sober up and I knew it would make myself feel better, but that’s the thing, I did it to make myself feel better. And I know when I’m drunk everything comes out, especially towards Julian and he knows the severity of my, let’s just say “thing.” Like Julia was feeding me crackers and I refused to eat more, well because I didn’t wanna eat. And I said after I was done puking that I was happy to get all of that food out of my system. I mean come the fuck on. I remember saying that but at the same time, I remember it more so as just hearing it, not me actually saying it, that doesn’t make sense but to me it does.

Hoping around now~*~*~

College is six weeks from sunday. Six more weeks that I get so spend borderline every day with my boyfriend. Six weeks until I not see Julian for probably six weeks. Holy shit. I have a feeling I’m going to be crying tonight about this. This is going to be hard, ridiculously hard, but I just need the strength that we can do this. I completely bullshitted to my mom saying that I think that we’ll just try it. No, we’re gunna try it gunna make it work. Yes, I know I’m being naive but fuck it. Yes, I know this is my first love. Yes, I know that it kind of is puppy love. But so the fuck what? My first love can’t be real? So what if we’re just 18? My mom was saying that we’re gunna grow a lot in the first few months of college, more so me. But we’ve been friends all through out high school. I’m damn sure I’ve changed so much as a person, yet we’ve stayed friends the whole time. At times we’re the same friends as we were that May in freshman year. 

I know, I know, I sound so typical. But you know what? I don’t give a fuck. I love him, so much. Like I know, I just know that we legitimately have something together. It just feel so right, so correct. I’ve never been so sure about anything than this in my life. I can just so easily picture myself with him in the future. All I want is to fall asleep and wake up in his arms each night and morning. Yes, we have our little fights, but we get over them, we talk through them. I say I know I was over reacting or being wrong and so does he. We actually talk. And we have such great chemistry it’s insane. And I don’t give a fuck what people say or think, but I think that we’re a good looking couple. The fact that we’re literally opposites, visually, makes it that much better. And I don’t know about you, but I’m very physically attracted to him, and that’s really important. And we do have a health physical relationship might I say and we can even joke around while doing so, and that’s the best part! I’ve never cared about this person than anyone else in my whole life. I just picture us spending a long, long time together. I don’t care that I sound completely retarded and I know that I’m blinding by love, but at the same time I don’t think I am. We could walk around bed bath and beyond for hours and look for awesome things for our apartment that we yet to own. 

Our relationship has grown so much over the past few months. Yeah, the first 2 months or so was pretty rocky only because we had a lot of trouble opening up and getting used the the fact that we’re not just best friends anymore. But after we got over that, everything was beyond amazing. And he did have his doubts that I’m gunna find someone better than him in college, but after a shit ton of talking and saying that I found the most amazing person possible, I was able to convince him & everything was better from there. Yeah, we did have that little minibreak up thing but the second after I did it, I regretted it and it was all better that night. And yeah, I do think about other guys once in a while, like what would it be like, but then I think I have this beyond fantastic guy right by my side who makes me happier than anyone ever has/can/will. His touch just gives me goosebumps, but the good kind. The way he looks at me with his eyes, ugh, his eyes are my weakness. 

Trust me, I feel pathetic beyond belief. I remember how I ended it with Matan mainly because I was too independent and I couldn’t get attached and what not. Yet with Julian, I feel like, god I hate to say this more than anything more so because I yelled at Julian for saying this like two months into our relationship that he needed me, but I kind of feel like I do need him. Like every time I’m not with him, I think about him, and I just want him by my side. And I feel attached, I feel a yearning of his attention. I feel completely opposite as I did with my past relationships. And no be quite frank, it’s the greatest feeling in the world. I feel like I’m addicted to love. I can’t picture my life with out it, without the feeling that you mean something to someone, without the feeling that someone wants you, cares about you, would do anything for you, and visa versa. Every time my phone vibrates, I hope it’s him. I swear to god I can talk to this kid for hours. We can even be hanging out all night and I have to go home, and then we’re on the phone for another three hours no problem, and the only reason we go to sleep is because of how late it is, not even because one of us is tired. And another thing that has been the same ever since we became friends is that I can’t stay mad at this kid, no matter what. And also I do wear my emotions on my sleeve so he always knows the second I’m angry with him. But he could be the biggest dick bag, lie to me, or anything, after a day, two at best, we’re fine. I know that it’s not the greatest thing but I kind of like it because it gets things back to normal with us much faster.

I dunno, all I know is that I feel pathetic as fuck from love, but I wouldn’t change this feeling for the world, unless, you know, I get screwed over from it, but this is the one thing, honestly, the one thing that I’m so disgustingly optimistic about in my life, and to me that means something, something big. Let’s just hope (:

shannonfearr:

I’m probably gunna lose my virginity within the next week, and I’m so excited yet so scared, but only the whole pregnant part. I’m just happy that it’s gunna be with someone I truly love and I feel completely comfortable with him. I know it’s gunna suck so much, with the pain and everything, but I want to do it, I want to. He didnt pressure me even the slightest and that’s more the reason why I love him. And lol my mom honestly thinks that I’m gunna tell her right when I too it. When I did tell her the other week that we werent gunna do it soon, I was being honest, that conversation was weeks ago though but also Julian and i did have a conversation about it and that was like a month or more ago, but I dunno, we juat want to do it and he keeps saying that he will wait as long as it takes for when I’m ready and I think I am. But really, it’s not even that big of a deal, but I’m just so fucking scared of pregnancy. Like he said he’s gunna pull out before he comes just in case, even though I know we’ll be fine. I know that nothing will happen but I’m so retardedly paranoid and I have such shit luck but I’ll be fine, I know it. I just gotta be calm and everything will be just fine.

shannonfearr:

Well then. That’s done and over with. It was probably the funniest experience I’ve every experienced. It honestly didn’t hurt not one bit, it actually felt kind of good at times. Like I didn’t finish at all but I know if no one was home I wouldve cause the position that felt the best we couldn’t of done it cause it was loud lmao. But he didn’t even finish at all, which is weird as hell, cause he said it felt so beyond amazing. One thing I gotta do is stretch cause I got a cramp in my groin and it just hurt cause well, you know, he isn’t very small lol. But we high five’d after the fact, I love us so much. But honestly, I don’t get the big deal with it. It’s nothing super special, but maybe because we had baseball playing on the tv. I don’t want to make it a thing that we do ALL the time just for like, cautionary reasons, ye know? But wow, I’m not a little kid any more and oh fun, I get to lie to my mom every time she asks. I might buckle at one point, probz near the end of the summer or something. But he must be so happy cause he can say he nailed the girl that he has been borderline in love with all of high school!

And I honestly knew from the getgo that at one point we were gunna be together, or hook up at least. Like every since after PJ, I just knew that it would happen, I just knew it. And it did!

shannonfearr:

He’s been gone for only one day and I already miss him like crazy. I only spoke to him for a tiny bit today cause he has no power and his phone is gunna die so this just sucks so much.

Holy shit, I’m gunna snap by the time I get to college. Just knowing he’s not here, a simple 4 minute drive away just makes me miss him. Yeah, I’ve gone a day without seeing him at all, but also we’ve barely spoke and I dunno, I’m just used to hearing his voice every day. 

Yeah I know, come college we’re gunna be on the phone for hourss but I don’t know, the thought of being 4 hours away is fucking terrifying. I know I’m gunna be a wreck but I know that we can do it. It’s just gunna be so much harder since we’ve grown so much together in the past few months like it’s almost uncanny. The thought of knowing that I’m not gunna see him for weeks at a time almost hurts.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ll have to go through, I know it, but I have faith that it’ll work. I wouldn’t end it just because we can’t see each other, that’s complete bull shit. The first few weeks are going to be brutal but once I get accustomed to the fact that we can’t see each other every day, it’ll be fine.

It’s going to be so fucking difficult, I’m scared shittless. 

shannonfearr:

I love more than anything that my shirt still smells like you from just laying next to you

I’m slowly realizing how crazy I am as a girlfriend. I’ve turned into the one thing that I’ve never wanted to and never even thought that I would ever become.

I am the crazy, irrational girlfriend.

What happened to me being the “cool” girlfriend that never cared about the little things. If we didn’t hang out for a week, it was no biggie. If he dropped plans last second or pushed them back a few hours, I didn’t care at all. If he just hung out with a bunch of his girl friends, why does it matter?

But now, oh how I’ve become just the worst and I honestly hate it. I miss being the awesome girlfriend, now I’m just the bothersome one. I’m over jealous, I nag, I complain about not talking on the phone with him for more than two days. What the fuck have I become? 

I know I just said that I’m slowly realizing but it was mostly last night when I was lying in bed being all mad and upset and such. It just hit me. I was being so insanely irrational and stupid. I was getting upset because he pushed back our skype date an hour and a half. And just to be a bitch I did homework for two hours when he said he was ready to do so, and then I just said I was going to sleep. And when I asked if he wanted to talk at 11:30, he was out and I just got so mad. But honestly, why should I get upset? Why should he stay home and just wait and see if maybe I’ll want to talk. Honestly, how do I think sometimes?

And yeah, the past couple of weeks we haven’t really spoken all that much over the phone because well my boyfriend finally has a social life. We used to talk all the time because, well, he just never went out. He barely hung out with his friends at all and he was miserable. But I got to talk to him all the time, pretty much every night.

And so yeah, now he has a social life and it’s not that I’m jealous, it’s that we just are different people and just because I stay in and I’m not a super social person doesn’t mean that he has to be the same way. If he wants to go and hang out with his friends, I honestly have no say in it. And yeah, I do have a more open schedule so I’m borderline always available to talk while he has a more tight schedule and talks to me when he gets the chance, when it’s convenient for him.

But the one thing that irks me is that the latest we’ve stayed on the phone almost this whole semester was like 12, maybe 12:30, and I feel bad because he has to wake up super early the next morning. Or he falls asleep only a half an hour into a conversation or something. And yeah, I’m so jealous of his friends because he stays out with them until one or more in the morning just smoking and playing music (which does bug me but that’s something else). Of course if you put the cards on the table, I just really miss talking to him. Honestly? It felt almost weird at first talking to him on the phone yesterday. That was the first time since I’ve been in college that we went more than two days without talking on the phone. And I don’t know, I just got really comfortable with talking to him until I went to sleep and I miss it. We have barely done it for the past few months and it sucks but hey, we still do talk as much as we can. 

His happiness is most important and I’m not gunna ask him to stay home simply to talk on the phone just to make me happy, that would be absurd. He obviously has more fun being out and doing something entertaining then just spending his whole night on the phone. If he’s happy going out, then I should be happy for him. I dunno, I just miss him, a lot.

And like the other night when I told him I was crying because I missed him, he was like “meh, we get to “see” each other tomorrow” (on the skype date that never happened) and I dunno it kinda sucked. I was hoping that we could talk that night due to the fact that I told him that I was crying because I really missed him.

But see, that’s my problem. I have to stop “hoping” that he’d do something. I make these expectations for him that are unfair because he has a life and why should he stop it just because I miss him. And I know I make unfair expectations that are too high for him, I know he got mad at me because I told him that I had no expectations or the lowest ones, he thinks that he deserves some at least. But I can’t make reasonable ones, so I just gotta make lower ones and just assume the worst. And yeah, we did literally just have a fight about how I always assume the worst, but for things like this, I dunno, I feel as though it would be better. 

I’m such a hopeless romantic and so I have this picture perfect relationship in my head that I want that no one, no one in the world, can give to me. But what I have now is the closest that it could possibly get. But still, I have these little things in my mind and I just, I dunno, it’s not that I expect more, but it’s like when ever he does little cute things, I absolutely adore them. Like when he came up, he just showed up at the dorm rather then make me go to trailways to pick him up. I freaked out and almost fell on my face running to see him. But I guess that it’s best that way, so that I appreciate the little things a lot more. They just seem really rare, I just expect way to much. GAH

And also, yeah, it honestly does really fucking bug me that he smokes pretty frequently now that he hangs out with his friends a lot more now. And yeah, it’s not effecting me at all what so ever and we barely even talk whenever he is high, but I don’t know, I just don’t want him to start doing really frequently. And yeah, as I usually do because I want to come off as the girlfriend who is “cool and doesn’t care” but when I was home for the other weekend and he did smoke with his friends, it really fucking sucked. He said it himself how much it sucks being the only sober one so he did it to me. And he was all mad at me for being in not the best mood, but…

Quick diversion, so yeah any time we’re out with people, literally every time (which is the reason why I hate hanging out with other people when I’m with his) I say a single word, he puts me down and makes me feel dumb and everything I say is never funny or the wrong thing to say. And yeah, I’ve said something to him about this before but clearly it didn’t stick

So yeah he was mad at me because I said something quickly about how every time I say something it’s stupid, so he was in a weird mood. But then only when he smoked he wanted to holy my hand or actually want to be a couple again and was done with being all pissy with me. And yeah, he told me afterwords that it sucked being the couple who wasn’t all “coupley” because they just started going out, Mike and Arielle, so they were being all cute and in their honeymoon phase, while we’ve been together for over a year and we just all together never had that super cute phase I guess. But still, like it just really sucked for the fact that I saw him for literally 12 hours over the weekend and he was high for a portion of it. And it was his idea to double date with people who I’m not even friends with. I thought that we were just gunna spend time with each other during the weekend cause we had such limited time. If that was the case, then I would’ve asked one Andrea or Raina or both to come home for the weekend so we could hang out one night. But I spend the time I’m home with people who I’m not even friends with. 

See it’s like these stupid little things bug me which I know I should’ve told him about because that’s what people in relationships should do, they should talk to each other about their problems. But I think that I still have it in my head that I want to be that awesome girlfriend who never cares but says she doesn’t mind or says that nothing is bothering her while in fact, it is just festering and boiling up inside of her and eating her alive and potentially hurting the relationship, a lot. 

We shouldn’t be having these communication problems this far along into our relationship and I hate hate hate the fact that it is 100% my fault. I know that if I’d bring that up to him he’d say that it’s partially his fault but I know for a fact that it’s me. 

I guess I’m just not the greatest girlfriend. I try too hard to be something that I’m not, which is much more hurtful than helpful. I have these unrealistic expectations for people and the fact that their human simply slips my mind sometimes and it just sucks for both of us, them feeling that they can never live up to my expectations and me always feeling disappointed. I nag, I’m whiny, I bitch and moan, I complain constantly, I’m needy, I’m jealous, and I’m way over emotional.

Wow. How the hell do I still even have a boyfriend at this point.