I’m slowly realizing how crazy I am as a girlfriend. I’ve turned into the one thing that I’ve never wanted to and never even thought that I would ever become.
I am the crazy, irrational girlfriend.
What happened to me being the “cool” girlfriend that never cared about the little things. If we didn’t hang out for a week, it was no biggie. If he dropped plans last second or pushed them back a few hours, I didn’t care at all. If he just hung out with a bunch of his girl friends, why does it matter?
But now, oh how I’ve become just the worst and I honestly hate it. I miss being the awesome girlfriend, now I’m just the bothersome one. I’m over jealous, I nag, I complain about not talking on the phone with him for more than two days. What the fuck have I become?
I know I just said that I’m slowly realizing but it was mostly last night when I was lying in bed being all mad and upset and such. It just hit me. I was being so insanely irrational and stupid. I was getting upset because he pushed back our skype date an hour and a half. And just to be a bitch I did homework for two hours when he said he was ready to do so, and then I just said I was going to sleep. And when I asked if he wanted to talk at 11:30, he was out and I just got so mad. But honestly, why should I get upset? Why should he stay home and just wait and see if maybe I’ll want to talk. Honestly, how do I think sometimes?
And yeah, the past couple of weeks we haven’t really spoken all that much over the phone because well my boyfriend finally has a social life. We used to talk all the time because, well, he just never went out. He barely hung out with his friends at all and he was miserable. But I got to talk to him all the time, pretty much every night.
And so yeah, now he has a social life and it’s not that I’m jealous, it’s that we just are different people and just because I stay in and I’m not a super social person doesn’t mean that he has to be the same way. If he wants to go and hang out with his friends, I honestly have no say in it. And yeah, I do have a more open schedule so I’m borderline always available to talk while he has a more tight schedule and talks to me when he gets the chance, when it’s convenient for him.
But the one thing that irks me is that the latest we’ve stayed on the phone almost this whole semester was like 12, maybe 12:30, and I feel bad because he has to wake up super early the next morning. Or he falls asleep only a half an hour into a conversation or something. And yeah, I’m so jealous of his friends because he stays out with them until one or more in the morning just smoking and playing music (which does bug me but that’s something else). Of course if you put the cards on the table, I just really miss talking to him. Honestly? It felt almost weird at first talking to him on the phone yesterday. That was the first time since I’ve been in college that we went more than two days without talking on the phone. And I don’t know, I just got really comfortable with talking to him until I went to sleep and I miss it. We have barely done it for the past few months and it sucks but hey, we still do talk as much as we can.
His happiness is most important and I’m not gunna ask him to stay home simply to talk on the phone just to make me happy, that would be absurd. He obviously has more fun being out and doing something entertaining then just spending his whole night on the phone. If he’s happy going out, then I should be happy for him. I dunno, I just miss him, a lot.
And like the other night when I told him I was crying because I missed him, he was like “meh, we get to “see” each other tomorrow” (on the skype date that never happened) and I dunno it kinda sucked. I was hoping that we could talk that night due to the fact that I told him that I was crying because I really missed him.
But see, that’s my problem. I have to stop “hoping” that he’d do something. I make these expectations for him that are unfair because he has a life and why should he stop it just because I miss him. And I know I make unfair expectations that are too high for him, I know he got mad at me because I told him that I had no expectations or the lowest ones, he thinks that he deserves some at least. But I can’t make reasonable ones, so I just gotta make lower ones and just assume the worst. And yeah, we did literally just have a fight about how I always assume the worst, but for things like this, I dunno, I feel as though it would be better.
I’m such a hopeless romantic and so I have this picture perfect relationship in my head that I want that no one, no one in the world, can give to me. But what I have now is the closest that it could possibly get. But still, I have these little things in my mind and I just, I dunno, it’s not that I expect more, but it’s like when ever he does little cute things, I absolutely adore them. Like when he came up, he just showed up at the dorm rather then make me go to trailways to pick him up. I freaked out and almost fell on my face running to see him. But I guess that it’s best that way, so that I appreciate the little things a lot more. They just seem really rare, I just expect way to much. GAH
And also, yeah, it honestly does really fucking bug me that he smokes pretty frequently now that he hangs out with his friends a lot more now. And yeah, it’s not effecting me at all what so ever and we barely even talk whenever he is high, but I don’t know, I just don’t want him to start doing really frequently. And yeah, as I usually do because I want to come off as the girlfriend who is “cool and doesn’t care” but when I was home for the other weekend and he did smoke with his friends, it really fucking sucked. He said it himself how much it sucks being the only sober one so he did it to me. And he was all mad at me for being in not the best mood, but…
Quick diversion, so yeah any time we’re out with people, literally every time (which is the reason why I hate hanging out with other people when I’m with his) I say a single word, he puts me down and makes me feel dumb and everything I say is never funny or the wrong thing to say. And yeah, I’ve said something to him about this before but clearly it didn’t stick
So yeah he was mad at me because I said something quickly about how every time I say something it’s stupid, so he was in a weird mood. But then only when he smoked he wanted to holy my hand or actually want to be a couple again and was done with being all pissy with me. And yeah, he told me afterwords that it sucked being the couple who wasn’t all “coupley” because they just started going out, Mike and Arielle, so they were being all cute and in their honeymoon phase, while we’ve been together for over a year and we just all together never had that super cute phase I guess. But still, like it just really sucked for the fact that I saw him for literally 12 hours over the weekend and he was high for a portion of it. And it was his idea to double date with people who I’m not even friends with. I thought that we were just gunna spend time with each other during the weekend cause we had such limited time. If that was the case, then I would’ve asked one Andrea or Raina or both to come home for the weekend so we could hang out one night. But I spend the time I’m home with people who I’m not even friends with.
See it’s like these stupid little things bug me which I know I should’ve told him about because that’s what people in relationships should do, they should talk to each other about their problems. But I think that I still have it in my head that I want to be that awesome girlfriend who never cares but says she doesn’t mind or says that nothing is bothering her while in fact, it is just festering and boiling up inside of her and eating her alive and potentially hurting the relationship, a lot.
We shouldn’t be having these communication problems this far along into our relationship and I hate hate hate the fact that it is 100% my fault. I know that if I’d bring that up to him he’d say that it’s partially his fault but I know for a fact that it’s me.
I guess I’m just not the greatest girlfriend. I try too hard to be something that I’m not, which is much more hurtful than helpful. I have these unrealistic expectations for people and the fact that their human simply slips my mind sometimes and it just sucks for both of us, them feeling that they can never live up to my expectations and me always feeling disappointed. I nag, I’m whiny, I bitch and moan, I complain constantly, I’m needy, I’m jealous, and I’m way over emotional.
Wow. How the hell do I still even have a boyfriend at this point.